loneliness...

loneliness...

Looking for something that doesn't exist

into the darkness, in the abyss

Searching for love that I once couldn't heed

wishing for someone to hold me and feed

Into the dreams of a forsaken child

out in the forest and out in the wild

Become the big cat with the will to survive

clawing, if you turned away from my eyes

to forsake me again

oh, what a friend

if you show me you care

and that I am there

but how can it be

unconditionally

when I've clawed, and I've hissed

in my sad, dark abyss,

If I left; would you miss

me? I want to be free

of this, of this

my heart just bleeds

with loneliness...

for you

for who?

and what?

oh, whom?

Something I have not been able to have because of the way I am; because I either don't hug at all, or squeeze you too tight... because I don't know what's right, or any better. Although I'm getting better.

It's hard to know how to "be" sometimes, when you have autism. You want to get close, but you don't know how...you try and it's too much, it may seem odd. You put the other off; end up feeling rejected, it feels personally heart wrenching. These days I hold back instead; walling up my naive heart. It's the better option; to put my heart into action and words instead. Today I love people, but I confess, from a bit of distance. There's so much I want to say; about Social Justice. About Autism and way beyond...'Cause one thing I know for sure is that I love humankind; and its potential for good. Despite my bad experiences; I know that much. I try to remember that.

January 14th, 2012

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