What It's Not

Can't afford to lose anymore

what's it gonna take

can't afford to bruise anymore

are you gonna break

apart, this time

when it doesn't rhyme...

Don't want to repress anymore

want to wear the dress anymore

part; you better play

when it's not ok

to be yourself

not acceptable

sit on the shelf

like the doll, that you are

look at her, so pretty too

why? she bats her eyes at you

don't you want to hear her coo?

She's a lovely little thing

so it'd be a shock to see

her act the way she be

almost like a boy, frankly

Tired of this tone of voice

in which you gotta sing

tired of this charming way

that you can sweetly bring

tired of not knowing what to say

unless it rings

Memory is running

constantly and constantly

no one would believe

that what you say feels like a scene

for you act it so well

secretly; lost in the meaning...

You can never visit

unless you know they're coming

wanting to connect

but don't know how unlike a kid

have to prepare what you'd say

by how you know they did

Sometimes you're a great host

you intrigue your guest with style

but you're left exhausted

wanting alone time for awhile

Processing and cycling

the meaning of the words you'd said

which seemed endearing at the time

but now, won't leave your head

There's always things you want to say

but then forget about

you get stuck on just one thing

and that's all that keeps coming out

You wonder, after one leaves

were you nothing but boring?

you scold yourself over making an

impression of annoying...

They, and yourself, hold it to you

what has produced your un-faulted faults

it, logically, feels convoluted

forgetting about gestalt

So where is the slack cut

in this neurological challenge

appearing as what it's not

when emotions; it takes revenge

December 27th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

She Was Once Like Matilda

She was once like Matilda

a little girl in a bad place

with nowhere to go

with a book in her face

For the book was a shield

and her one saving grace

But she wanted to read

what was not her small place

So the school shut her down

gave her nowhere to run

she looked for her Miss Honey

but the clouds blocked the sun

And without a Miss Honey

to adopt her away

she met with bad influence

and the dark, painful days

With black makeup down her cheeks

and nicks on her wrists

her heart bled and bled

and she pounded her fists

She shouted "Miss Honey; where can you be?

I wave my arms, up and down; but you can't see me"

And with that, she turned to ice

So angry, betrayed

abandoned by the world

she analyzed with her brain

that was once golden good

and now used in vain

Breathing cynical doom

and self-loathing pain

the smart little girl

drank vodka and planned

an attack on the world

with her own tongue in hand

She drank to it at night

till night turned to day

For she scraped by pretending

the "rebel cool" way

Letting dark people in

to harm as they may

’

Til the night turned to fire

and she woke up with burns

for her vodka-fuelled rants

took a serious turn

So threatened was her life

as she laid there so ill

with her arm to a knife

poisoned with self will

which had kept her alive

when there once was a need

in which came to an end

making her want to flee

But then; she heard an angel whisper

"accept you are loved,

please become a believer

in what is above"

And as she lay there dying

She saw a little girl

with a book in one hand

and in the other, a pearl

“Because the world is your oyster;

if you choose it to be

See the good, see the light,

join me and be free!"

She was once like Matilda

and she's now met a friend

that friend is who she once was

and who she'll be again

November 28th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Get Me Through This Day

I always thought my dreams

would be

enacted on

to set me free

But I'm waiting

while my wing mends

it broke when I hit

going 'round the bend

I'm powerless

to all the pain

I want it to be

fine again

So I can fly

and amidst my resentment

confined to this nest

I cannot see

what may be best

quite possibly

I'm pining

and I'm struggling

I'm asking

will I ever be

The same again?

I'm on my knees

I feel that I have worked so hard

so why am I still breathing weak?

I feel as though

the futures' bleak

Oh, God; please tell me it's ok

Just help me

Get me through this day

November 8th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

This Too Shall Pass

Acquisition

on a mission

but the well is dry

Drilling holes to find another

stream

and from the sky

Clouds are forming

darkening

and forming drops of water

But the air is humid

and the tension makes it hotter

So when lightening comes to strike

how does one hide?

oh burning brights'

the telephone pole

falling to the right …

Oh quick, duck down!

roll on the grass

and pray to know

this too shall pass

Nov 8, 2011

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Getting Tired of Hiding My Aspergers'

On getting tired of hiding my Asperger Syndrome

I'm the forfeit on the floor

it's not a game anymore

oh, my speech is breaking down

and my skill just mutes the sound

of my thoughts as what they are

but they are not anymore

for I can't open the door

to justice

and my right to be

as I am;

to be set free

November 3th, 2011

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So Blessed

So Blessed

So grateful

for clarity

forgiveness

and what's set me free

A chance to learn

to love the real me

though my heart

still sheds a tear

There is hope

where there was fear

and shame

and blame

and disregard

I'm not playing with my cards

I'm writing thank you from my heart

to those who love me

there's a part

of me who still will not believe

but I tell it to hush

and I breathe

I breathe with God

for I'm a child

of creation

the way I am

The way I was

so long before

but that child’s no longer

on the floor

I'll pick her up

lay her to rest

I can move on

and live

So Blessed

October 29th, 2011

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Stagnant Waters

Stagnant Waters

Feeling, hurting

but you're still not burning

healing, peeling

but you have been saved

Grieving, leaving

life as it had been believed

seeing what you know now

you don't want to be

Stuck in stagnant waters

waiting for the rivers' rush

hum to break the silence

see the forest green and lush

It will soothe you as you wait

for nature to decree

wait in stagnant waters

and have faith

that you’ll be free

October 28th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)