Tuesday, December 27, 2011

What It's Not

Can't afford to lose anymore
what's it gonna take
can't afford to bruise anymore
are you gonna break
apart, this time
when it doesn't rhyme...

Don't want to repress anymore
want to wear the dress anymore
part; you better play
when it's not ok
to be yourself
not acceptable
sit on the shelf

like the doll, that you are
look at her, so pretty too
why? she bats her eyes at you
don't you want to hear her coo?




She's a lovely little thing
so it'd be a shock to see
her act the way she be
almost like a boy, frankly

Tired of this tone of voice
in which you gotta sing
tired of this charming way
that you can sweetly bring
tired of not knowing what to say
unless it rings

Memory is running
constantly and constantly
no one would believe
that what you say feels like a scene
for you act it so well
secretly; lost in the meaning...

You can never visit
unless you know they're coming
wanting to connect
but don't know how unlike a kid
have to prepare what you'd say
by how you know they did

Sometimes you're a great host
you intrigue your guest with style
but you're left exhausted
wanting alone time for awhile


Processing and cycling
the meaning of the words you'd said
which seemed endearing at the time
but now, won't leave your head

There's always things you want to say
but then forget about
you get stuck on just one thing
and that's all that keeps coming out

You wonder, after one leaves
were you nothing but boring?
you scold yourself over making an
impression of annoying...

They, and yourself, hold it to you
what has produced your un-faulted faults
it, logically, feels convoluted
forgetting about gestalt

So where is the slack cut
in this neurological challenge
appearing as what it's not
when emotions; it takes revenge


December 27th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

She Was Once Like Matilda

She was once like Matilda
a little girl in a bad place
with nowhere to go
with a book in her face

For the book was a shield
and her one saving grace
But she wanted to read
what was not her small place

So the school shut her down
gave her nowhere to run
she looked for her Miss Honey
but the clouds blocked the sun

And without a Miss Honey
to adopt her away
she met with bad influence
and the dark, painful days
With black makeup down her cheeks
and nicks on her wrists
her heart bled and bled
and she pounded her fists

She shouted "Miss Honey; where can you be?
I wave my arms, up and down; but you can't see me"

And with that, she turned to ice
So angry, betrayed
abandoned by the world
she analyzed with her brain
that was once golden good
and now used in vain

Breathing cynical doom
and self-loathing pain
the smart little girl
drank vodka and planned
an attack on the world
with her own tongue in hand

She drank to it at night
till night turned to day
For she scraped by pretending
the "rebel cool" way
Letting dark people in
to harm as they may



Til the night turned to fire
and she woke up with burns
for her vodka-fuelled rants
took a serious turn

So threatened was her life
as she laid there so ill
with her arm to a knife
poisoned with self will
which had kept her alive
when there once was a need
in which came to an end
making her want to flee

But then; she heard an angel whisper
"accept you are loved,
please become a believer
in what is above"

And as she lay there dying
She saw a little girl
with a book in one hand
and in the other, a pearl

Because the world is your oyster;
if you choose it to be
See the good, see the light,
join me and be free!"

She was once like Matilda
and she's now met a friend
that friend is who she once was
and who she'll be again

November 28th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Get Me Through This Day

I always thought my dreams
would be
enacted on
to set me free

But I'm waiting
while my wing mends
it broke when I hit
going 'round the bend

I'm powerless
to all the pain
I want it to be
fine again

So I can fly
and amidst my resentment
confined to this nest
I cannot see
what may be best
quite possibly

I'm pining
and I'm struggling
I'm asking
will I ever be
The same again?
I'm on my knees


I feel that I have worked so hard
so why am I still breathing weak?
I feel as though
the futures' bleak

Oh, God; please tell me it's ok
Just help me
Get me through this day


November 8th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

This Too Shall Pass

Acquisition
on a mission
but the well is dry

Drilling holes to find another
stream
and from the sky

Clouds are forming
darkening
and forming drops of water

But the air is humid
and the tension makes it hotter

So when lightening comes to strike
how does one hide?
oh burning brights'
the telephone pole
falling to the right …

Oh quick, duck down!
roll on the grass
and pray to know

this too shall pass

Nov 8, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Getting Tired of Hiding My Aspergers'

On getting tired of hiding my Asperger Syndrome

I'm the forfeit on the floor
it's not a game anymore
oh, my speech is breaking down
and my skill just mutes the sound
of my thoughts as what they are
but they are not anymore
for I can't open the door
to justice
and my right to be
as I am;
to be set free

November 3th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)




Saturday, October 29, 2011

So Blessed

So Blessed

So grateful
for clarity
forgiveness
and what's set me free

A chance to learn
to love the real me
though my heart
still sheds a tear

There is hope
where there was fear
and shame
and blame
and disregard
I'm not playing with my cards

I'm writing thank you from my heart
to those who love me
there's a part
of me who still will not believe
but I tell it to hush
and I breathe

I breathe with God
for I'm a child
of creation
the way I am
The way I was
so long before
but that child’s no longer
on the floor

I'll pick her up
lay her to rest
I can move on
and live
So Blessed

October 29th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Friday, October 28, 2011

Stagnant Waters

Stagnant Waters

Feeling, hurting
but you're still not burning
healing, peeling
but you have been saved

Grieving, leaving
life as it had been believed
seeing what you know now
you don't want to be

Stuck in stagnant waters
waiting for the rivers' rush
hum to break the silence
see the forest green and lush

It will soothe you as you wait
for nature to decree
wait in stagnant waters
and have faith
that you’ll be free

October 28th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Onion Soup

Onion Soup

Passing by
second try
clock is ticking
ticking lies

Layers layers
in a loop
cooking slowly
onion soup

Hours hours
waiting for
something to
besiege the core

Then stand up
for what is true
lift the fog
and see the blue

Taking, taking
the meantime
breaking, breaking
from the prime


How long till
the soup is done
will it dry…
before it’s one?


October 28th, 2012

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

From The Rain

From The Rain

Bring me a rainbow
from the rain
that killed my candle flame
with shame

Show a martyred ghost
to me
make it an angel
set it free

I will follow
on the earth
my heart, my soul
my life's rebirth

Grow me a flower
from each seed
I can collect
from a virtuous deed

Water and feed
its precious stem
ironically
with the rain of condemn

Let it convert the water
from doom
let the sun shine
let it bloom

Let it evolve
and spread its life
from field to field
of previous strife

Let evolution
take its course
let love and truth
bring strong discourse

From ear to ear
of every child
to every system
cold and vile

Let new ideas
coat change
with crystal
indigo light
and no more pistols

Smash the factories down with hail
formed by reform
not entailed
by persecution
any more
we will live past
the thunders' roar

To see the clouds
clear up again
bring me a rainbow
from the rain


October 27th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Don't Pose

Don't Pose

Don't pose
Get on your toes
Spirituality
Is not a style
It is vile
And infantile
So walk the mile
For your clothes
Self-expression is great
But appreciate
That if your wearing a sign
You better know what it means
You better sprout your beans
'Cause decorating your kitchen
Without a mission
Is unholy
And quite lowly

Copyright N.M. Rose Guedes, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Prove It Right

Prove It Right

Some people complain
of where the concerts' going to be
While others are pining
for a ticket to be free

Some people have access to the cures
they've got the means
Others toil away in trenches
bartered till they steam

Some people think it is wise
to block the blowing breeze
Covering up their eyes
until distraction brings them ease

And in the forms of many
it comes with great appease
But please, oh, please
Listen deep...

I don't hate you, but
I want to shake you
I want to wake you up
I want to break you

I want to break your cellar door down
Because there is no storm to hide from
There's just some empty hands to feed
And you've got more on your shelf than you need

I don't hate anybody
I write this not to fight
Just this:
Love expects more from you
Prove me wrong, Prove It Right



October 8th, 2011

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Build A Boat

Build A Boat

Murphy's Law has broken my heart
we're down and out, and ripped apart
and picking pieces up, by will
while breathing in a merciless chill

Our hands are reaching wide and far
while others are held, up to the stars
Happenings that shape our youth
try to protect the beastly truth

We're labels, labeled jars of jam
bowing down to Uncle Sam
opening up our mouths, for help
then silenced by a pharmacy shelf

We seasoned soldiers are victimized
by textbooks written for the lies
that blackmail us and keep us down
to keep the same heads with a crown
those who are different are a threat
so they'll be drugged
to pay a debt

Why not kill two birds with one stone?
whom have been proven accident prone
by strategically placing booby traps
so we can't touch the top, but lapse

Into a sea of discredited folk
where some may drown and some may choke
I will not fall! I'll build a boat
then paddle out to find you

October 8th, 2011

-Girl Outside
www.girloutside.org

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)

Preface

This book chronicles, in poetry, my journey through learning about my true self, as a woman on the autism spectrum. It follows the process of realization and being diagnosed. It begins before and leading up to the diagnosis, and continues throughout the aftermath and joy.

Then it follows, through grief, sorrow, shock, and defensive resistance to being attacked for my enthusiasm in “coming out of the autism closet.” I got back up from that too. In the end there’s a coming to peace with realizing that this kind of thing will be inevitable, if I’m to do this work and be open.

After I got back up from a nightmare of a knock, which risked my health and safety, the experience had me realize important things about who I am. I was able to clearly see what I must do, in order to rise above. It's taken me awhile to be able to, and it’s still a process, especially with my recent health progression and diagnosis/acknowledgment of the connective tissue disorder Ehlers-danlos syndrome. But, it started there, and the journey continues.

I put my true thoughts and feelings on paper, expressing my deepest introspective views; of the world, of people and society, of hope for progression, change and social equality. It describes my growing discovery of injustices amongst humanity, post “awakening” into what was actually going in for me, in my life.

Heart of A Womanchild child is more about the feelings. In poetry, this book depicts a coming to be; a reawakening and realization of true purpose. It’s “sister” collection book (of blogs) “Diary of A Girl Outside The Box”, is more about the analytical and empirical activism side of it.

Writing introspectively helps remind me that I have to have the self-respect and faith required to fully rise above those who “don’t get it”, and to be as well as I can, in spite. I need to remember who I am, and my core truth, in order to heal from the years of hurt and trauma while “going under the radar”as well as the recent bad experiences of prejudice in my “coming out.”

I've also included a bonus section: the best of my teen poetry. I felt this was important, and the poems are good. I had some published. It chronicles what I went through as a teen, faced with difficulties unknowingly related to being on the autism spectrum, as well as in the midst of hardship and barriers. This included having a parent with cancer, and being in poverty significant enough to cause unduly stress, interference with just being a teenager and lack of opportunity in realizing my full potential at the time. The teen poetry begins when I first started writing at age 13, as a means to help myself through understanding my emotions. It carries through to age 19. Then, I stopped and fell into struggle for a long time, with no writing.

Poetry is therapeutic; especially for people on the autism spectrum.

Written words and rhythm, when used to pinpoint feelings difficult to say, are very releasing. When an autistic person loses the ability to use them, it often means things have gotten really tough and overwhelming. This is called selective mutism or shutdown, and often results from an overload or following a meltdown. This is a hard one for many, especially if they don’t know they may be on the spectrum/continuum. I think some try to fight it. However, I've learned that it's best to surrender to it; the fight makes it worse. The words will come when the processing gets there. When they do, it's like medicine!

I believe those on the spectrum deal with their strife and struggles a bit differently, both in better ways, and in worse ways at times. We are sensitive, vulnerable, and more easily traumatized; but we also have this incredibly strong will to survive, even when at the brink. Much of my poetry depicts that, and tells this story. There is so much to say in order to explain who I am and where I come from (Another planet? No...just joking.) The words in rhythm and rhyme explain it best for me.
I hope you enjoy, and maybe even relate to these words from the “heart of a womanchild.”

Love Rosie



Opening poem:

In the morning (diamante)

Slow
in the morning
body, mind, adorning
specks and streams of broken glass
stuck inside with candle wax
get under the heat
open,bleed,weep
wash away
new day
flows

- Girl Outside
www.girloutside.org

You can get all PDFs at http://www.girloutside.org/booksall/ (PDF layout is better honed than the blog format)